How to

Disappear

Disappear

Disappear

Completely

And Never Be Found

* Internet Edition*

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This is a manifesto and step by step guide to living in an antisocial fever dream

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Picture this . . .

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You just posted something completely utterly disgusting

on the internet and you instantly regretted it

Or you’ve seen something absolutely atrocious and traumatizing

on the internet and you just want to get it away from it as far as possible

Or somebody posted and came across something of you that’s so incredibly

embarrassing and shameful that you decide to commit internet pseudocide

How do you go about this process of disappearing?

Delete all your social media and everything online

you can find immediately with no explanation

Don’t tell your friends about your new decision because

they might think you’re trying a new pretentious trend

They think that this isn’t going to last

but keep in mind that this is your life now

you’ve made a decision and there’s no going back

Throw your entire computer away

Hell, throw away your phone too and your tablet, your television,

bluetooth earphones, vibrator, speakers, rice cooker or anything

that reminds you of the internet or is connected to the internet

Throw all your electronics away

If you’re too attached, lock them up in a basement

Actually you can keep whatever you want

but I’m telling you for your own safety

Give your key to your distant cousin

Tell him to bury it where no man can find it

Sell your house

But keep the furniture, keep the dog, keep the car

and grandma’s favorite gnome

(it’s a collectable)

Deny any and all rumors that you are going crazy

Use the money you got for the house to buy

a new house in the middle of absolutely nowhere

Turn it into a barn.

Buy chickens, cows, goats, pigs

Start a garden, an orchard and a vineyard

Make sure grandma’s favorite gnome watches over you in this process

Make friends with your newly purchased animals and fruits

and also make friends with some of your human neighbors

Do not tell them your real name

Buy books and go to the library to do research

on how to create a perfect farm / mini society

Become hopeful about the topic of creating a farm / mini society

but also discouraged when you realize you need to hire people

to help you build structures and harvest

Go back to school or the library and learn about how to clone yourself

Successfully learn how to clone yourself

and clone at least 50 versions of yourself

Make sure you like yourself before you do this step

or else you might get into arguments with your clones, trust me

Assign each clone a role

Close off your town

If your neighbors grow curious, deny anything and everything

Only have one clone go out to society at a time

Live in peace, anonymity and isolation to achieve nirvana

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Fin