At Lands End

   I woke up to find our hotel room full of rats. Pack rats everywhere, packing things and stealing my lucky charms. I chased them out out of my room with shoe in hand. But they out numbered me and dragged me to the car with them. They must have thought I was a package they had stolen because I was tossed in the back and covered with other bags, boxes and bundles. Piles of dirty laundry and unmentionables. Trinkets and cards, souvenirs and maps, before I could yell for help the car was filled and took off, swerving recklessly through the streets. Ten minutes later we screeched to a halt and I was deposited in a garage with all my luggage. I wandered out into the bright sunlight. Blinded and disoriented, I found myself in the woods. An evil troll said I had to beat him in a game of Frisbee golf to escape from haunted forest. Today was not shaping up to be much better than the rest of this ridiculous trip. He summoned several imps to help him and said I must beat them all to leave with my life intact. "That's just fantastic" I muttered to myself, "Lets get this over with!" The course was twisted and hidden. Densely overgrown with impenetrable thickets. The flag for each hole hidden down a dark labyrinthine path.

   I threw my Frisbee and it banked sharp into the bushes. "Great," I thought, "my first throw and I'm already behind." The troll next to me turned around backwards, spun wildly and spasmed more than he threw his Frisbee, which found its way effortlessly between the trees to the goal. I was doomed. The next couple of holes went just as poorly for me. My Frisbee got stuck in a tree and I spent a good fifteen minutes trying to retrieve it. I managed to make up a few points on the last few holes. I nearly decapitated a man and his dog who happened to run through the last hole. Pleased by this, the troll took a few strokes off my score as he rolled on the ground with laughter. I finished with a plus 6 score, being totally decimated by the hole in one troll. Fearing that I would be killed soon, I made my plan to escape and took off running as fast as I could. The enraged troll was so fat that all he could do was throw Frisbees at me, which I skillfully dodged.

   After escaping the troll, I found a moose making pizza in a small clearing. He offered me a slice and I graciously accepted because I was now starving. After I was satiated he showed me the way to a lake where large white swans were feeding. One walked over to me and gobbled me up and took flight. Conveniently he had also swallowed some chairs and I was able to sit in one. I also noticed had some holes in the side of his belly which I could look out of. As I soared higher I could just make out Aunt Carol running below me in high heels, video camera in hand, blowing kisses and telling me to come visit again soon. I waved back, sad to leave such a magical place. I will certainly have to come back to Alaska again. I only hope it's not too unpleasant when this bird poops me out in L.A.