ALASKA or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
I didn't know we were related to both the Donner party and Hansel and Gretel. Chris sent and attack droid into my sleeping quarters early this morning to wake me up after staying up till four in the morning. He was apparently trying to displace his revenge after being kicked out of his bed by Jennifer for snoring. She had nearly bludgeoned him to death with a fun-noodle, and he had managed to escape. After a quick breakfast of grilled cheese, we were loaded into the car
and purposely disoriented. Carol took as many random turns as possible as we drove in and out of town. She then pulled over and Lauren and I were thrown out of the car, left to fend for ourselves. Had I know earlier that I was going to be abandoned I would have saved my second grilled cheese to make a bread crumb trail. Alas I had not expected to be kicked out into the wild by my own family. Clearly the vacation had become too expensive already and we were to be the first casualties, either that or Cheese and Jennifer didn't want to pay for smelly Lauren's college and jumped on the first chance to get rid of her. Why I was also standing in the middle of know where was beyond me. Lauren and I set out into the wild Alaskan outback in search of civilization.
On our journey we found a magical cottage made of berries, chocolate and tacky Alaskan trinkets. Outside there were reindeer who walked right up and let us pet their soft heads and antlers. Even their antlers were fuzzy, it was amazing. Something about this whole place seemed to dangerously close to our Hansel and Gretel story, so we pressed on to find food elsewhere. A quick hop and a jump over a stream and we found our selves and jolly old Dusty Sourdough's mine/mess hall. We filled our bellies with burgers and Dusty gave us free ice cream. There was much rejoicing.
Next we wandered deeper into the woods, where we ran into bears, wolves, moose, porcupines, wolverines, otters, owls, a sleepy fox, some musk oxen, eagles, polar bears, lynx, snow leopards, a very angry chipmunk and even a tiger! God knows how we managed to avoid a gruesome death.
Eventually we managed to find our way back to the house, A police car showed up to arrest Aunt Carol but she Gazelled her way into the woods and lost them. So instead the police escorted us to a temporary foster home on a lake.
Driving in the car we celebrated our triumph with powdered donuts and a wild Alaskan berry shake.
We drove through Wasilla, Alaska and considered visiting Sarah Palin to give her a swift kick in the balls. But alas, Our convoy was forced to move on when we were attacked by and wild band of Gorillas with fireworks. They forced us off the road into the woods on a tiny dirt road. After we gave them the slip, we finally arrived at a cabin where we prepared to defend ourselves with a potato gun and pile of marshmallows we found. The sun set at Ten Thirty and we hunkered down for the night, hoping to get some rest.
I didn't know we were related to both the Donner party and Hansel and Gretel. Chris sent and attack droid into my sleeping quarters early this morning to wake me up after staying up till four in the morning. He was apparently trying to displace his revenge after being kicked out of his bed by Jennifer for snoring. She had nearly bludgeoned him to death with a fun-noodle, and he had managed to escape. After a quick breakfast of grilled cheese, we were loaded into the car
and purposely disoriented. Carol took as many random turns as possible as we drove in and out of town. She then pulled over and Lauren and I were thrown out of the car, left to fend for ourselves. Had I know earlier that I was going to be abandoned I would have saved my second grilled cheese to make a bread crumb trail. Alas I had not expected to be kicked out into the wild by my own family. Clearly the vacation had become too expensive already and we were to be the first casualties, either that or Cheese and Jennifer didn't want to pay for smelly Lauren's college and jumped on the first chance to get rid of her. Why I was also standing in the middle of know where was beyond me. Lauren and I set out into the wild Alaskan outback in search of civilization.
On our journey we found a magical cottage made of berries, chocolate and tacky Alaskan trinkets. Outside there were reindeer who walked right up and let us pet their soft heads and antlers. Even their antlers were fuzzy, it was amazing. Something about this whole place seemed to dangerously close to our Hansel and Gretel story, so we pressed on to find food elsewhere. A quick hop and a jump over a stream and we found our selves and jolly old Dusty Sourdough's mine/mess hall. We filled our bellies with burgers and Dusty gave us free ice cream. There was much rejoicing.
Next we wandered deeper into the woods, where we ran into bears, wolves, moose, porcupines, wolverines, otters, owls, a sleepy fox, some musk oxen, eagles, polar bears, lynx, snow leopards, a very angry chipmunk and even a tiger! God knows how we managed to avoid a gruesome death.
Eventually we managed to find our way back to the house, A police car showed up to arrest Aunt Carol but she Gazelled her way into the woods and lost them. So instead the police escorted us to a temporary foster home on a lake.
Driving in the car we celebrated our triumph with powdered donuts and a wild Alaskan berry shake.
We drove through Wasilla, Alaska and considered visiting Sarah Palin to give her a swift kick in the balls. But alas, Our convoy was forced to move on when we were attacked by and wild band of Gorillas with fireworks. They forced us off the road into the woods on a tiny dirt road. After we gave them the slip, we finally arrived at a cabin where we prepared to defend ourselves with a potato gun and pile of marshmallows we found. The sun set at Ten Thirty and we hunkered down for the night, hoping to get some rest.
